Suppose They Are Right

Just for a minute, suppose that the Southern Baptists, Catholics, and others that believe that the only way into Heaven is for someone to accept Jesus Christ (heretofore known as JC) as their personal savior and son of the allmighty. Just suppose. That means that if you DON'T accept JC as your savior, you go to Hell. If there is Heaven, then there has to be Hell, and not accepting JC as your savior puts you straight into Purgatory. Let's consider the ramifications.

First off, all you really need to do to get into Heaven is accept JC on your deathbed as your savior and the son of the allmighty. One immediate conclusion you can draw is that Ghandi, Buddha, and their like are in Hell communing with the Devil. Wonder what that conversation is like?

Devil: "So, Ghandi, bet you didn't know that being a non-believer in JC meant you'd end up here. Your entire life was wasted. Ha-Ha! (spoken in a high pitched Bart Simpson-esque voice)"

Ghandi: "Oh, Devil, you tricky mon. You so tricky. I'm na gonna eat for, like 4 days. You so tricky."

Buddha: "Why nobody tell me that we were wrong all along? This sucks. It's hot and I'm hungry. Got to fill my belly!"

Devil: "Buddha - why don't you grab one of those Pappa Murphy pizzas from the brick oven over there (Hell is just loaded with brick ovens, which should not come as a surprise to anyone) and go hang with those guys in Vegas-Hell - Tom Cruise, Richard Gere, Sammy Davis Jr., and all the other poor, unfortunate souls who just missed getting in. It's really not so bad here, anyway."

At which point the Lucifer sticks his pitchfork in Buddha's fat ass, cackling an evil laugh. Ghandi slinks away to his flaming corner to begin his hunger strike.

Another tough consideration is Moses and David, King of the Israelites. I mean, they had never even heard of JC in their time. They had been dead 3000 years before JC was conceived, both literally and figuratively. What happens with them? They'd been just hanging out in Heaven with God for thousands of years. Life is good. No persecution from the Egyptians. No building of pyramids. Just a life of milk, honey, and wings. Then, BOOM, one day God summons them to his chamber.

God: "Moses, David, I have a question for you"

Moses: "Sure, God, what's up?"

God: "We have a, uh, situation."

David: "What - somebody not obeying your 10 Commandments?"

God: "Oy. I wish it were that simple. You see, I had a kid. A boy. He's a good kid. Except there's this one little rule. You might call it the 11th Commandment"

Moses: "Well, what is it? Thou shalt not eat a Subway sub on Sabbath? Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Beemer?"

God: "Simpler than that. Just a little matter of belief."

David: "Well, are you going to tell us or have us sit here guessing? I have an angel to deflower! Besides, we've believed for 3000 years. We Jews were the originals. We believe more than anyone else. We're mega-believers."

God: "David, Moses. Times change. People change. Even I change. I've given it a lot of thought, and to keep Heaven a nice, consistent, harmonious place, I need the same rules up here that I have for the living on earth. Believing in me, committing your life to me, heeding my every word and commandment - that's no longer enough. You need to accept my new son as your savior."

Moses: "And what if we don't" (in a rather impertinent tone of voice)

God: "Then you're no longer welcomed here in Heaven"

David: "Then were will we go?"

God: "I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it. If you don't accept JC as your savior, you are going straight to Hell."

Moses and David in unison, with eyes bugging way out: "WHAT???"

David: "This can't be. We've done your work for thousands of years. This is bullshit."

God: "Now, David, relax. It's not that bad. He is my son, after all. One thing, though. I do need an answer."

Moses: "And answer to what?"

God: "Well, do you accept Jesus as your lord and savior?"

Moses: "You need to know now? What if I can't answer?"

God: "Well…. Like I said… If you can't accept those terms, off you go."

God turns to King David of the Israelites, asking, "David, do you accept my son as your savior?"

David mulls it over for a bit, thinking, "Perhaps God is testing me. Yea, that's it. This is a test of my belief in him." David then looks God directly in the eye and states, 'No, I do not accept your son. I believe in the law as it's always been."

POOF! Lo and behold, David disappears in a cloud of smoke. Moses is now completely in shock.
God then turns to Moses, asking, "Moses, do you accept JC as your savior?"

Moses, a bit concerned, answers in a halting tone of voice, "Sure, God. Definitely. 100% AOK. JC it is."

And so it goes.

And where do the Nazis go? Hitler, his henchman, and the modern-day skinheads and neo-Nazis? Well, if they have truly accepted JC as their savior, they're up in Heaven, too. Imagine this scene.

Mother Theresa: "God - how could you? Those scum-sucking bastards up here in Heaven? Just because they accepted JC as their savior, can't you make an exception and throw them downstairs? And there are so many good boys down in Hades - can't you bring some of them up?"

God: "Rules are rules, MT. You know that. The Nazis are in."

MT: "But, God, they're freakin Nazis! I don't want to share heaven with them. It's not right. It's not fair. I devote my entire life to peace, love, and the well-being of all mankind. Lucky for me, I also accept JC as my savior. These people - they kill, they maim, they hate, they deprive others of the basics of life, they burn the cross, and You know what else. Isnt' there something you can do? I know they've now accepted JC, but there should be SOMETHING we can do. And, by the way, I DO NOT want them on my cloud. Period. I'm putting my foot down."

God: "Well, we could teach them a small lesson."

MT: "It better be a good one. What are you thinking?"

God suggest to MT: "We could find the biggest, baddest storm cloud and banash them to that cloud forever more?"

MT mulls it over. "Would there be constant lightning and thunder? Heavy rains and rather large hail?", she asks.

God, now enjoying this line of thought, answers, "Oh, yes. There will be lightning. Nobody said that heaven was always good weather, did they?"

So, God snaps his fingers. In an instant, every Neo-Nazi, skinhead, KKK member, and other scum of the earth that happened to accept JC as their savior is transported to the biggest, baddest, nastiest cloud you've ever seen. Think of the final scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Only worse. And it's not a huge cloud either - just big enough for every one of them to stand up, but nowhere to sit.

Bleary-eyed from the teleportation, Hitler looks around. As he's looking up, a bolt of lightning hits him square in the eye. He spins, just in time to have a piece of hail the size of a grapegruit smack him directly in the balls. Doubled over in pain, he screams, "What the HELL is going on here? I accepted JC as my savior! I've been here for 40 years, and it's been awesome. God - I want some answers!"

God appears above the mangy lot of born-again losers. He says in a condescending voice. "You all have done as I've asked. You've accepted JC as your savior. However, heaven has many facets - nooks and crannys, if you will. I've just decided that this empty part of heaven should be populated. And you are just the people I want here."

Hitler, now incensed, screams at the top of his lungs. "WHAT? I can't even sit down! And my balls ache like a mother from that damn hail!"

God, in what will be his final appearance in front of this pathetic band of losers, smirks as he replies, "You don't need to sit - standing is good for the circulation." And with that, he's gone. Perhaps with more than just a little bit of remorse about the tight rules he's imposed for the past 2000 years. That Mother Theresa was one smart cookie.

Rising Health Care Costs for Illegal Immigrants

Dear President Bush, Mr. Beauprez, and others concerned with Illegal Immigration,
Last night, in the midst of the rather pagan holiday of Halloween, I had what you in Texas might call an "eee-pifinnee". I was prepared to hand out candy to all the neighborhood kids. I eagerly awaited these wholesome youngsters, sure to be dressed in appropriate costumes such as "Navy Seal", "Air Force Academy Co-Ed", "Osama Bin Laden with an Arrow Through His Head (ala Steve Martin 1980)", "THE DEVIL", "Mel 'Braveheart' Gibson with his close Police Buddy, Morrie", "Nancy Pelosi in Drag", "Ann Coulter, God Bless Her Soul", "Texas Roughneck", "Cowboy (and not one of those Brokeback wannabees - I'm talkin real He-Men here!", and many others. Ah, the wholesome nature of it all.

So, back to this "eee-pifinnee". Why, I remember when I was back at Yale. That funny white powder sure did produce a bunch of "eee-pifinnees". He He. Ah, that was fun… He He. But wait, I digress. Where was I? Oh yea - Halloween. Anyway, last night, while handing candy out to the strapping young future leaders of America, I noticed something strange in my neighborhood. A bunch of non-English speaking families had driven all the way across our borders to Trick-or-Treat in the Land of Plenty. That's right, Washington Park! There were hoards of them. Why, some weren't even dressed in costumes, and the ones that were, well, I can't even say what they were dressed as. These tykes were carrying HUGE pillow cases to gather all of the Washington Park candy they could carry. Not surprising, I'll give you that. But, you'll not believe this, SOME OF THE PARENTS WERE CARRYING BAGS FOR CANDY, TOO!!! What is this, the Wash Park Socialist Republic? Do these people think that, just because they cross the border from Five Points into the Land of Plenty. that they are entitled to the harvest that we enjoy? Now, you might claim that a few pieces of candy to those from less wealthy lands is not a big deal.

NOT A BIG DEAL? I'll tell you why this is a big deal! Just think about it - all of those illegal Five Pointers, barely speak English, they come, take away our Bounty (I mean - take away our Mounds - Bounty is the damn Euro version. Damn Euros. Except Tony Blair). Why, I remember when I was back at Yale. That funny white powder - it looked like candy - sure did produce a bunch of "eee-pifinnees". He He. Ah, that was fun… He He. But wait, I digress. Where was I? Oh yea - Big Deal. It's a BIG DEAL because these parents and kids eat this candy. They have no self control. They might just eat it all in a week. Then, what happens? I'll tell you what happens! They get cavities. They get stomach aches. They get high blood sugar. At least, that's what Rush tells me. Anyway, imagine the weight that all of this health care puts on our national budget! You and I, good people of Washington Park, end up paying for these border-crossing Five Pointers health care - that's what happens!

I believe that I have found the root cause of the problem. It's so obvious. So, I ask you, President Bush, to immediately enact the "Child-Only Halloween Candy" Bill (aka "All Parents Left Behind"). We must act NOW to prevent this drain on our national resources produced by these illegals eating our hard-earned Halloween candy!

Sincerely,
Concerned Washington Park Parents and Like Minded People