Rising Health Care Costs for Illegal Immigrants

Dear President Bush, Mr. Beauprez, and others concerned with Illegal Immigration,
Last night, in the midst of the rather pagan holiday of Halloween, I had what you in Texas might call an "eee-pifinnee". I was prepared to hand out candy to all the neighborhood kids. I eagerly awaited these wholesome youngsters, sure to be dressed in appropriate costumes such as "Navy Seal", "Air Force Academy Co-Ed", "Osama Bin Laden with an Arrow Through His Head (ala Steve Martin 1980)", "THE DEVIL", "Mel 'Braveheart' Gibson with his close Police Buddy, Morrie", "Nancy Pelosi in Drag", "Ann Coulter, God Bless Her Soul", "Texas Roughneck", "Cowboy (and not one of those Brokeback wannabees - I'm talkin real He-Men here!", and many others. Ah, the wholesome nature of it all.

So, back to this "eee-pifinnee". Why, I remember when I was back at Yale. That funny white powder sure did produce a bunch of "eee-pifinnees". He He. Ah, that was fun… He He. But wait, I digress. Where was I? Oh yea - Halloween. Anyway, last night, while handing candy out to the strapping young future leaders of America, I noticed something strange in my neighborhood. A bunch of non-English speaking families had driven all the way across our borders to Trick-or-Treat in the Land of Plenty. That's right, Washington Park! There were hoards of them. Why, some weren't even dressed in costumes, and the ones that were, well, I can't even say what they were dressed as. These tykes were carrying HUGE pillow cases to gather all of the Washington Park candy they could carry. Not surprising, I'll give you that. But, you'll not believe this, SOME OF THE PARENTS WERE CARRYING BAGS FOR CANDY, TOO!!! What is this, the Wash Park Socialist Republic? Do these people think that, just because they cross the border from Five Points into the Land of Plenty. that they are entitled to the harvest that we enjoy? Now, you might claim that a few pieces of candy to those from less wealthy lands is not a big deal.

NOT A BIG DEAL? I'll tell you why this is a big deal! Just think about it - all of those illegal Five Pointers, barely speak English, they come, take away our Bounty (I mean - take away our Mounds - Bounty is the damn Euro version. Damn Euros. Except Tony Blair). Why, I remember when I was back at Yale. That funny white powder - it looked like candy - sure did produce a bunch of "eee-pifinnees". He He. Ah, that was fun… He He. But wait, I digress. Where was I? Oh yea - Big Deal. It's a BIG DEAL because these parents and kids eat this candy. They have no self control. They might just eat it all in a week. Then, what happens? I'll tell you what happens! They get cavities. They get stomach aches. They get high blood sugar. At least, that's what Rush tells me. Anyway, imagine the weight that all of this health care puts on our national budget! You and I, good people of Washington Park, end up paying for these border-crossing Five Pointers health care - that's what happens!

I believe that I have found the root cause of the problem. It's so obvious. So, I ask you, President Bush, to immediately enact the "Child-Only Halloween Candy" Bill (aka "All Parents Left Behind"). We must act NOW to prevent this drain on our national resources produced by these illegals eating our hard-earned Halloween candy!

Sincerely,
Concerned Washington Park Parents and Like Minded People